I spent most of the weekend driving around the Gold Coast and Brisbane listening to music on shuffle through my cars speakers. A song came on and instantly my minds transported to a different place and time, high school in the year 2000.
If You’re Gone by Matchbox Twenty plays, the first time I cried over a boy. Chris G, one of the first real high school crushes I had. We’d been dating for around 8 months and then I messed up by kissing another boy drunkenly at a party he wasn’t able to attend. The day we broke up, I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling listening to the radio, an announcement was made that the next song was from Matchbox Twenty’s new album. I sobbed and sobbed into my pillow while I listened. The song ended, I packed a disc-man into my backpack and told mum I was going to catch a but into the city to meet some friends. I was really going to the city to visit the HMV store where Chris and I met for our first date, I purchased the new album and walked to the Brisbane Botanic Gardens where I sat leaning against a tree listening to If You’re Gone on repeat for hours in the shade.
Another song still tugging at my heart is My Happiness by Powderfinger. I had been with Grant F. since the middle of the year 2000, I was still heartbroken from Chris G, when I met Grant F, who was 1 year older than me and in his final year of school. After high school he joined the Australian Army and left for training January 2001. I didn’t hear from him for many months, I began year 12 and went on with life as though he never existed. I dated other guys, went to parties and enjoyed my last year of high school. Much later that year on my birthday in August I received a text message from an unknown number, wishing me Happy Birthday with hugs and kisses and that we should catch up soon. We text back and forth for days, this person seemed to know a lot about me. Finally Grant F, admitted it was him messaging me and could he meet me in the city over the weekend.
When our eyes met I couldn’t believe it was him standing their, he looked so different to me. He made his promises to never to leave me again and we continued our relationship. The promises weren’t really his to make, the Army owned him now. The time he spent with me was weeks or months in between. I finished year 12 and ran away from my mums home to live with him, hoping this would give us a better opportunity to see each other more. It had an opposite effect, he went away more often with the Army with no contact, leaving me at home. I learned to not believe the dates he provided for his return, he never came home on time, maybe a week or three later. He’d come in and put his bags down, no explanation of his delay. I would feel happier that he was home and in his arms again, now he would return from base each night to me. Every time things started to feel great again, he would pack up and go. The last time he left, he would be gone for quiet a while, he said to me ‘to find My Happiness while I am gone‘. He knew I related his coming and goings to the lyrics, Grant caught me crying a few times humming the words over my study books for university. I suspect he knew he would come home to an empty house. He did, I left a note with the lyrics of my happiness stapled to a love/breakup letter I had rewritten many many times over. How could I tell someone I love so much, that I can’t do this anymore…. but I did… somehow.
Years would pass before I found a new song I could relate to a past love. In November 2012 I heard a song in a shopping centre, using the Shazam App to identify it as Daylight by Maroon 5. Downloading the album and adding it to iTunes I listened intensly. There it was, the song that forever more would bring tears to my eyes about Robin leaving me for the UK in February 2012. I begged for our last night to never end, but I can’t stop time, not even for a moment. When the morning came he would have to go away. Hearing the lyrics to Daylight, I lead myself to believe he might of felt the way the lyrics describes the feeling of knowing it will all be over in the morning, he would want to hold me close until it was daylight. Our last glance would soon be memory. I’ve recently realized the way I have played our last moments together in my mind were really my feelings of the last moments we shared, I don’t believe he ever felt the same way I did about him departing.
These are three songs that have filled my heart and soul with emotions of breakup, and they will always be there to remind me of the heartache I felt for another.
Mars on Life.